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18 January 2012
At a time of global economic crisis, falling output and rising unemployment, the British Government is to make it a priority that that the Queen of England will get her yacht back. As is well-known, the population of England is divided into the “have-yachts” and the “have-nots”. The Queen lost her last yacht in 1997, when it was decommissioned, and so for the past 15 years she has eked out a meagre existence as a “have-not”. The year 2012 (ie this year, for those of you still awake) marks the sixtieth anniversary of the Queen’s Ascent to the Throne. The Government, whose members by definition are all “have-yachts”, wants to mark the occasion by ending Her Majesty’s humiliating “have-not” status. She is to become a “have-yacht” again. By the way, the British Royal family is many cuts above those common-as-muck Continental monarchs who ride about their kingdoms on plebeian bicycles. But back to the point. The Queen’s yacht will cost £80 million pounds, but this has not dampened the ardour of Her Majesty’s loyal subjects. All over England the lame, the sick, the elderly, the unemployed are hobbling around their hovels overjoyed at the good tidings. “It’s worth getting me benefit cut again for,” said Gertrude of Bolton, who has contributed her wooden leg to a lottery to raise funds for the yacht. “I only get 50p a week anyway since the latest cuts and once I’ve paid me rent and me ‘eating and me food and a black patch for me glass eye, well there’s not much left out of that.” Incidentally, the Government has firmly scotched rumours that the Queen, who lives in a very large number of very large houses, is to be means-tested by a French firm to determine whether she should continue trousering the “Civil List”, which is a royal term for taxpayer’s money used to pay “benefits” to the Queen and her Consort (that is “husband” to you and me). The Government made that quite clear this week, when it decreed that the Royal Family, like the Banks, was “too big to fail” and hence would continue to receive benefits whatever happened, unlike those work-shy cripples and chemotherapy patients who were too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and do a decent day’s work like any ordinary “hard-working family” that was not a benefit scrounger. But let us go back to the yacht. The government is said to believe that a large-scale celebration is needed to lift the country’s spirits. However, since, thanks to Government cutbacks, there is very little hard cash around, the Government has decided that the large-scale celebration will be strictly limited to members of the Royal Family and senior Ministers (but not Clegg). In a letter sent to the panjandrum overseeing the jubilee festivities, a senior Minister is quoted as saying: “I feel strongly that the diamond jubilee gives us a tremendous opportunity to recognise in a very fitting way the Queen’s highly significant contribution to the life of the nation ….perhaps because of the austere times, the celebration should go beyond those of previous jubilees.” Well said, Sir! And so say all of us!